The desire for a child, stronger than anything

40 years and dust behind me, no stable relationship since...? A desire to give birth, always. And time passing. 

 

There comes a time when we can no longer postpone reflection, or rather decision.

Thinking is essential, but what next? Because there must be an after, reflection cannot be a permanent state, and the only two concrete answers that follow are YES or NO. It is scary. It's radical. It is a decision that involves a life, lives.

 

Do I really want to be a mom? Solo?

 

The questions are swirling around in my head: do I really want it? Is it biological, social, family pressure? Is it selfish? Will I be able to afford it financially? Physically? Is it reasonable in these chaotic times? Is it irresponsible, from an ecological, ethical, physiological point of view, and other words in ique? I choke on my flood of thoughts. Let go. All. Silence my head and try to hear inside my body the little voice whispering. 

 

This is the first step I had to take; take the slow time of the  reflection, while the hands of the biological clock turned faster and faster. This seems paradoxical, yet it is the only way to verify his deep motivation. 

 

This is necessary because the project may at first seem dizzying. He needs to be fed by a pure energy, that of the depths of his being, that which will give the strength to cross each of the stages, and particularly the first, the hardest: to say to oneself "I'm going" and to go there. . When you decide to be a single mom, the responsibility is even greater, the commitment even stronger, it can be even more scary.

 

There is no recipe for hearing his little voice, everyone must find their way. For my part, I took time for myself, usually hyperactive, to rest, meditate, breathe. I did in-depth work with shrinks, energy specialists; I worked both body and mind.

So that on arrival, there is only me to hear this little voice. It was for me to decide, for me alone.

 

But it's not because you choose to become a single mom

you have to do it all alone!

 

On the contrary ! What helped me the most was meeting women who had done it.

Reading articles, following forums, it was good, but there is too much distance from the project. I found in my entourage women who had taken the plunge. The first, I found it while talking with my neighbor in the waiting room at my gynecologist's, she was a baker and one of her clients had done it. She immediately gave me her contact, and a few weeks later, here I am on the terrace with Sylvie, 50 years old, and her wonderful little girl conceived in Spain. What a joy to see them live, to ask her lots of questions, concrete, from the number of attempts to the budget allocated, through the techniques and her recommendations, and to see the influence of this woman with a career like mine.

It was truly meeting him, in person, in front of a coffee shop that pushed me to action and gave me the strength to walk through the door of a Spanish clinic.

 

I learned throughout my course in PMA that it is not because I chose to be a single mother that I have to do everything alone. On the contrary ! I have never dared to ask so much for support, support, very concrete or moral, it has transformed me. For me, this is the second key to success, feeling supported, accompanied by those we have chosen as “partners”. There is no dad? There are other strong alliances to rely on.

 

Today, my 9-month-old boy benefits from this openness to the world acquired by walking towards him. What happiness!

 

Anne-Claire Mathieu